Sourire perpétuel

J’aime tellement ça me faire appeler « la-plus-belle-du-monde »… même si c’est (un peu) quétaine et pas (tout à fait) vrai, si à ses yeux je le suis et qu’il me le dit, je suis la fille la plus heureuse du monde!

(Je t’aime, MB!)

C'est notre anniversaire aujourd'hui.

Joyeux anniversaire, MB.

(Cake images from California artist Wayne Thiebaud's 1963 painting called "Cakes".)

Planning Ahead

It’s so hard for people to understand that we can’t plan anything in advance. Especially my friends who work in the same industry I do, where schedules are the same year-round and vacation time can be planned months and months in advance. I don’t think people will ever be able to fathom what “my boyfriend has an irregular schedule” really means. You'd think that after a few years of knowing us and having it be like this, they'd get the idea, but...

It’s like this pretty much every time MB is away:

My friend, this morning: Quand est-ce que MB revient?
Me: MB revient peut-être en fin de semaine.
My friend: C’est cool si MB arrive cette fin de semaine. Quand est-ce que tu sais pour certain?
Me: Je sais « pour certain » seulement quand il arrive chez nous. Même lorsqu’il a son billet d’avion, ce n’est pas 100 % certain… et il n’a pas encore son billet.

The Pilot's Wife

Did some cleaning this weekend at my parents'. Found a bunch of old stuff (hey, I still fit into this dress!), and culled a bunch of books from my shelves. I'm going to donate a few boxes to my old high school. I've complained about their lack of good reading material before.

Looking through the stacks and stacks of used books in my old bedroom, I found a novel called The Pilot's Wife. Now, I don't remember reading it, so I don't know what it's about, but it was strange to read the title and suddenly come to the realization that I am going to BE one (a pilot's wife) one day. (When I told MB this he said, well, I realized I was going to be a terminologist's husband! Very funny.)

So I did a bit of googling ("pilot's wife") and found some interesting blogs. It's so wonderful to be able to find people who are going through the same thing I am! (Oh, Internet, what would I do without you?)

Ok, there were some depressing tales of cheating husbands (here and here). But there were also encouraging stories throughout. (Like this and this.) I actually found a network called The Pilot's Wives Club - awesome! Looks like a great support group. Even if my friends are supportive, they still ask when he's going to be home and for how long and if we can plan such and such for three months from now... no, I don't know! And it's not going to change (at least, I'm not holding my breath for a job with a regular schedule - if it happens, so much the better). I'm fine with it this way for now. A lot of people "don't understand how I do it" and it's encouraging to know I'm not the only one "doing it".

From the Marriage with Altitude blog:
[I'm sure it applies to helicopter pilots as well as airline pilots...]

So to elaborate - don't marry an airline pilot - unless:

• You have an incredible amount of patience Check!
• You have a solid job that earns decent money Check! More 'solid' than his right now...
  
• You don't mind doing a lot of stuff by yourself Check!
• You don't mind moving all over the world Check!
• You are a dab hand with ebay/ freecycle/ putting up shelves one-handed/checking tyre pressures Check!
• You have a great sense of humour I think so!
• You're a very trusting sort of person... Yup
• You love him more than anyone else in the world. Definitely! (Well, obviously I love my family just as much too. But not the same kind of love.)
  

And to be honest, if that's the case... You should be fine. Really. There are times when it will all drive you crazy, but I promise, it WILL be worth it. Honest.

And remember - marry the MAN, not the pilot. If you marry him just because he's a pilot, you'll be very disappointed!

LOVE love love love love

Oh. mon. Dieu. Je viens de tomber en amour avec cette photo.


Hmm, je me demande s'ils nous laisseraient prendre des photos de couple dans la bibliothèque du Parlement? Ou sinon, aux Archives nationales, peut-être... mais la biblio du Parlement est plus jolie.

Something Old

In the past few years I have really turned my attitude around on this: making durable goods durable.

"When others get a happiness boost from wearing something new, I get a boost from wearing something old."

I am so glad to be sharing my life with someone who thinks like this and is a constant inspiration to me!

Bonding - not just for parents & babies

Ok, so I was thinking about pre-marital counseling because of the book I'm reading (Dr. Smith's Lies at the Altar) and I googled this website. I found the article on bonding especially interesting because I had heard of the importance of bonding between parent and child at birth, but not bonding in relationships.

"Bonding is central to marriage success. That's not very surprising. The vast majority of couples planning for or contemplating marriage start off very bonded.

What is surprising for many couples, though, is the unexpected vulnerability of their initial powerful attachment. The biggest mistake that couples make is to take their bond for granted by assuming that their connection will stay strong because they love each other or with 'hard work.' But they don't have an intentional strategy to maintain the strength of their union.

Without a specific plan, most couples' attachment may grow weaker over time, whether or not they want this to happen, placing their marriage at risk. The first years of marriage are the riskiest for divorce and affairs. Couples report that "the spark is gone," or that while they still love each other, they are no longer "in love" or have "grown apart."

[...]

Nature intends our initial, temporary falling-in-love bonding period to be replaced by a longer-term attachment between partners--with a totally different underlying brain chemistry (based on oxytocin and vasopressin). [Fisher, et al, 2002]

But some of us find it easier to form and maintain these long-term bonds. According to researchers, different attachment styles rooted in early experiences with parents play an important role in bonding: Most of us have what the experts call a secure attachment style based on a comfortable balance of closeness and independence in their intimate relationships. They tend to be relatively self-confident, accepting and supportive in relationships.

Many people with colder and/or rejecting early attachment experiences continue to have some degree of difficulty with romantic bonding during adult life. They may be less comfortable with closeness and trust, find it difficult to depend on others or be depended upon. On average their relationships last about half as long as those with the more secure style.

Those whose early attachments were particularly unreliable tend to be preoccupied and obsessive in relationships, needy and vulnerable, and experience difficulty getting as close to others as they would like. They bond easily, but their relationships are the least durable.

All of these attachment styles are considered normal. But both of these less secure styles are prone to experiences of jealousy and loneliness. They also tend toward defensiveness and blame and have difficulty getting their needs met.

[...]

So what can couples do to avoid the seemingly inevitable slide toward greater disengagement? Well, fortunately, there's plenty. But for most couples, it doesn't happen on its own. You have to plan and strategize to keep your bond strong. And it's best to start early, just when you can't believe that you'll ever need it.

Here are some approaches that marriage success research has shown will help to keep your bond vital:

· Build positivity in your relationship. No one can avoid some negativity, but limit it. Marriage research has revealed that happy couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Couples who slip below five-to-one have a hard time restoring the balance. Repair after your fights. Don't allow prolonged periods of resentment to persist.

· Make time for your relationship--no matter what.

· Daily, non-stressful communication--continuing to keep up with each other's lives--is another bonding activity. And it's one that tends to go by the way when lives become busy. Remember how curious you were to learn the details of each other's lives when you were getting to know one another?

· Approach life as a team. Don't become adversaries, even when you disagree. Your disagreements are something that both of you must take an active role in managing. Planning and dreaming together are bonding for both genders.

[...]

· Keep your sex life active. Schedule a regular date night, especially if things are slowing down. You'll be surprised how the anticipation will whet your appetite--just like it did when you were dating. Introduce new forms of novelty to compensate for the inevitable diminishing partner novelty. Overcome any disagreements about initiating and active/passive roles by taking turns. The brain chemistry stimulated by sex is critical to renewing your bond.

· Celebrate your relationship. Develop rituals to commemorate your anniversaries and other memorable relationship milestones. Build a relationship mythology by telling your stories, such as that of how you met.

Adopting these strategies builds a bonding immunization for couples. These approaches help couples to build up a reserve of attachment that will help maintain their relationship through the inevitable stresses and challenges of contemporary married life and prevent disruption of their connection. Couples who are already experiencing tension or disengagement can revitalize their link by embracing these approaches.

Plan to keep your bond strong by learning more about practical bonding strategies that fit your relationship style and are comfortable for both genders. [...]

[EDIT: See also this article on bonding, titled "The Lazy Way to Stay in Love".]

Keeping Things Fun

Idée intéressante, même si je n'ai pas l'impression de manquer de choses "fun" à faire avec MB pour le moment...

"Before we got into the heavy stuff during our pre-marital class, the instructors had us do a good activity related to keeping fun alive in our relationship.

We brainstormed a list of things to do in various categories:

1. Under One Minute
2. 1-10 Minutes
3. 10-60 Minutes
4. 1-4 Hours
5. A Full Day
   
6. Multiple Days

Within each category, we pushed ourselves to come up with options that fell in various price ranges from free to a couple hundred dollars.

Your "List O' Fun" can serve as inspiration for maintaining the fun in your relationship. The instructors also emphasized the importance of setting aside time to have fun as a couple (without letting work, sports, TV, children, etc. interfere)."

Also from the same site: Getting to Know Your Partner Better

Générations

Selon cet article, je fais partie du début de la Génération Y... je ne suis pas aussi à l'aise avec le partage d'informations que ceux qui sont plus jeunes que moi (article super intéressant!), mais j'ai quand même une page sur Facebook, j'ai déjà participé activement (mais sous anonymat) à Livejournal, j'ai un compte Flickr. J'aime pouvoir rencontrer des gens et échanger avec eux en ligne. Sans anonymat, un peu moins. Mais je regarde les personnes comme Nicole Balch et je me dis que, professionnellement, ce serait bon d'avoir une page Web, un profil sur LinkedIn (done!), etc. Et après tout, MB et moi ne serions peut-être pas ensemble aujourd'hui si ce n'était de Facebook...

NYTimes essay about marriage

"Modern Love"

- about waiting it out; les creux redeviendront forcément des hauts

- about not taking the easy way out

- about being strong enough and having enough self-esteem to not take things personally

- about giving each other space in a relationship (see Christiane Singer, again)

Maybe I should translate the article and try to get it published in a Quebec newspaper. But I don't know that people would understand. I think the mentality of the woman in this article is probably completely opposed to the culture in Quebec. (Not including everyone, of course, but a lot of people...)

What can we do to turn it around?

Le conjungo

J'ai décrit ici les raisons pour lesquelles je ne voulais pas de bague de fiançailles. Je me disais que ma réponse serait prête si les gens me posent des questions (en fait, c’est sûr qu'ils m’en poseront!).

L'autre question à laquelle j'aurai probablement à répondre est la suivante : Pourquoi veux-tu te marier?

Voici ma réponse :

Oui, le mariage est démodé et on n’est plus obligés de se marier pour faire notre vie ensemble. Mais c’est justement pour ça que je crois que le mariage a encore PLUS de valeur aujourd’hui.

Je choisis de me marier, je ne me marie pas parce que je dois absolument me marier sinon je serai une vieille fille, ni parce que j’ai besoin de quelqu’un pour pourvoir à mes besoins. Je n’ai pas besoin de son argent. Je serai une femme mariée indépendante, et non prisonnière de mon mari. Mais si je choisis de me marier, c'est parce que je suis prête à m'engager.

Je veux que mon doux soit mon mari, pas seulement mon "chum" parce qu'en tant que mon mari, il s'est engagé lui aussi à toujours être là pour moi; et en tant que sa femme, je serai toujours là pour lui. En plus, si nous partageons les mêmes objectifs, nous pourrons accomplir beaucoup plus, à deux, que seuls dans la vie (par "seuls", je veux dire en vivant essentiellement comme co-locs...).

Ça ne veut pas dire que nous deviendrons qu’une seule personne (voir mon billet précédent sur le mariage), mais ça veut dire que nous avons décidé de travailler ensemble pour réaliser nos buts. J’ai quelqu’un avec qui prendre des décisions pour le reste de ma vie. J’ai quelqu’un avec qui partager mes réussites et mes échecs. Je vais aider MB à réaliser ses rêves et il va m’aider à réaliser les miens. La vie n’est plus un voyage solitaire.

- Être mariée c’est une façon de déclarer publiquement que je suis dans une relation stable, permanente, et non juste avec "le gars du moment". Ça montre que je suis capable de prendre un engagement, je ne suis pas une de ces personnes qui passera toute sa vie à flotter d’une relation à l’autre (d’un emploi à l’autre, d’une amie à l’autre, etc.).

- Je crois que l’intimité créée entre deux personnes qui habitent ensemble et qui ont promis de faire tout leur possible pour passer leur vie ensemble est incomparable. C’est de savoir que ton conjoint sera là toute ta vie qui te permet de partager tes pensées, tes inquiétudes, tes désirs les plus intimes. Ceux qui optent pour plusieurs relations à court terme plutôt qu’une seule relation stable n’atteindront jamais ce niveau d’intimité avec personne.

- Nous avons vu tous les deux, mon doux et moi, qu’il était beaucoup plus facile de rester avec quelqu'un que de se séparer, même si ce n'est pas la bonne personne pour nous, même si on n’a pas les mêmes objectifs dans la vie, même si on ne regarde pas dans la même direction. C’est difficile de partir. Mais si on n'a pas les mêmes objectifs dans la vie, la relation est vouée à l'échec. Le mariage, donc, nous oblige à réfléchir, dès maintenant. À nous examiner nous-mêmes et à prendre une décision au début de notre relation - si ce n'est que pour décider de partir si c'est la meilleure chose à faire.

Ça fait deux ans que nous sommes ensemble; je crois qu’il est probablement temps, maintenant que nous avons appris à nous connaître, d’examiner notre relation et nos objectifs et nous demander si nous sommes prêts à nous engager. Pour ne pas avoir à recommencer une nouvelle relation dans 5 ans, ou 9 ans, parce qu'on vient de s'apercevoir que finalement ça ne marche pas. (C'est vrai que nous examinons probablement déjà notre relation plus souvent que la majorité des couples à cause de ce que nous avons vécu.)

Ce n’est pas facile de prendre un tel engagement… mais je veux choisir le meilleur chemin, et non le chemin le plus facile.

- Lorsqu’on décide de se marier, on détermine quelle sorte de personne on veut être et devenir. C’est trop facile de toujours changer d’idée, suivre les modes et nos envies du jour, et ne jamais vraiment s’engager à rechercher l’idéal. Lorsqu’on se marie, on s’engage à poursuivre les objectifs et l’idéal partagés avec son conjoint. Ça ne veut pas dire que ces objectifs ne peuvent pas changer au cours de nos vies. Mais c’est évidemment TRÈS important de parler de l’idéal sur lequel on fonde notre mariage AVANT de s’engager à le poursuivre ensemble. Je crois que sans objectifs et idéal partagés, la relation est vouée à l’échec.

Or, c’est un autre avantage du mariage : il nous force à clairement définir un trajectoire idéal pour sa vie ET nous permet d’avoir quelqu’un avec qui partager le voyage.

(Mon idéal : Je veux être une personne qui apprend, qui n’abandonne pas facilement, qui a l’esprit ouvert, qui n’a pas peur d’essayer, qui voyage beaucoup, qui vit souvent de nouvelles expériences, qui ne fait pas comme les autres, qui réfléchit longtemps avant de prendre des décisions, qui ne dépense pas inutilement son argent, qui n’est pas matérialiste, qui lit beaucoup sur PLEIN de sujets variés, qui travaille pour vivre et ne vit pas pour travailler, qui accorde beaucoup d’importance aux relations avec ses amis et sa famille, qui ne choisit pas toujours le chemin le plus facile.)

- Raison numéro un pour me marier : je veux passer toute ma vie avec MB, parce que je suis beaucoup plus heureuse avec lui que sans lui. Sa présence dans ma vie m’apporte énormément de joie.

Je sais ce qu’on me dira : d’accord, mais pourquoi cet « engagement » doit-il prendre la forme d’une cérémonie publique, légale? Ne serait-elle pas tout aussi valide si on ne faisait que s’engager en privé, dans notre salon, juste les deux? Oui et non.

- J'aimerais déclarer publiquement mon amour pour MB devant tout le monde parce que notre cérémonie permettra de dire à tout le monde que nous sommes sérieux, que nous avons réfléchit longtemps avant de décider que nous sommes ensemble et que nos vies seront toujours liées l’une à l’autre. Nous voulons annoncer que nous ne sommes pas dans une relation « temporaire ».

- J’espère que ceux qui seront témoins de la cérémonie deviendront ceux qui nous encourageront dans les moments difficiles. Nos bagues seront un symbole de notre engagement. Et elles diront aux autres que nous ne sommes plus « sur le marché ».

- Au lieu d’être une promesse secrète que seuls nous connaissons, notre mariage sera public et sera appuyé par notre gouvernement. Nous formerons une entité légale. Le fait que notre gouvernement, nos témoins et tous ceux que nous rencontrerons reconnaîtront notre mariage aidera à solidifier notre union et nous engagera à tenir notre promesse plutôt que prendre le chemin de la fuite, de l'esquive aussitôt que c'est plus difficile.

---------

Ouain, je pense que ça va prendre une version abrégée, je ne pourrai pas raconter tout ça à tout le monde. Donc en bref :

1. Parce que je suis tellement heureuse avec MB que je veux passer toute ma vie avec lui.
   
2. Parce que je veux pouvoir appeler MB mon mari. Ça montre à tout le monde que je me suis engagée, je ne suis pas juste avec "le gars du moment".
   
3. Parce que je crois que l'engagement est important. L'engagement donne aux deux membres de l'union l'assurance qu'ils pourront toujours compter sur l'autre personne.
4. Parce que je crois que c'est une belle qualité de pouvoir faire des promesses - et les tenir.
5. Parce que prendre un engagement ça va nous rapprocher davantage. Ça va nous permettre d'atteindre un autre niveau d'intimité.
6. Parce que le mariage m'oblige à réfléchir, à m'examiner et à prendre une décision en début de relation, avant d'avoir des enfants.
7. Parce que le mariage me force à clairement définir mes buts, mes objectifs, mon idéal dans la vie, et à m'engager à les poursuivre.

"Mate Poaching"

We were just talking about this the other day, how men with wedding bands get even more hit on than obviously single guys. I think women are more attracted to married men (or otherwise non-single men) because they’ve already been “pre-approved” by another woman. And this Globe and Mail article I just read says the same thing: “It's kind of like an automatic relationship test, just the fact that someone else obviously thought they were cool enough to be involved with.”

Un livre qui fait réfléchir sur le mariage

« Ce qui rend le mariage si fort et si indestructible, c'est qu'il réunit un homme et une femme autour d'un projet. D'un projet fou. Souvent voué à l'infortune. D'un défi quasi impossible à réaliser et impérieux à oser. Le drame serait de ne pas tenter l'impossible, de rester, une vie entière, à la mesure de ce qu'on peut. »

Après être tombée sur cette citation du livre de Christiane Singer, Éloge du mariage, de l'engagement et autres folies, il y a quelques mois, j'ai décidé d'acheter son livre.

Tiré d'une critique du livre en ligne : « L'amour éternel est-il une utopie née du délire d'incurables optimistes ou une transcendance à laquelle nous pouvons tous accéder ? Pour Christiane Singer, le secret de cet amour dépend de l'engagement des amants l'un vis-à-vis de l'autre, engagement notamment symbolisé par un mariage. […] Le mariage peut-il être indestructible ? "Oui, si je le veux", elle proclame. […] "Ce n'est pas de l'hyperromantisme !" se défend l'auteur. »

Quel sujet démodé! Faire l'éloge du mariage! J'étais presque gênée, à la librairie, d'apporter ce livre à la caisse.

Bon, je ne l'ai pas encore terminé, mais il y a déjà quelques extraits qui m'ont frappée.

"Il existe des époux-fossiles comme il existe des croyants-fossiles. Ce sont ceux qui attendent de l’institution du mariage comme de l’institution de l’Eglise qu’elles les protègent des désordres de l’amour et de la foi. Cette tentative désespérée de garder au monde la lumière originelle de l’éclair tout en désamorçant le danger mortel aurait quelque chose de presque émouvant si elle ne prétendait y parvenir vraiment !"

"Il y a aujourd'hui un irrespect de l'engagement qui fige la moelle dans les os."

Je pense que dans le fond, la loi sur le Patrimoine au Québec a bien arrangé ceux qui ont peur depuis la nuit des temps de l'engagement... et surtout des responsabilités. La loi leur donne LE prétexte pour ne pas avoir à se marier.

L'engagement que je prendrai le jour que je me marierai sera un engagement réel, sans promesses vides. Je ne vais pas m'attendre à ce que la personne que je marie me rende heureuse. Je ferai tout pour être heureuse, ce qui rendra mon couple heureux, je crois.

Un extrait du livre que j'aime beaucoup est celui-ci :

« Je ne peux pas abolir ton destin, ni t'éviter épreuves et difficultés, ni enrayer tes échecs, ni provoquer ta réussite, ni entraver tes rencontres. Impossible de prendre les commandes de ta vie, de m'immiscer entre toi et ta peau, de glisser mon doigt entre ton écorce et ton aubier. Je ne peux que t'assurer de ma loyauté – ne jamais laisser tarir le dialogue entre nous, le raviver de neuf chaque jour. Mieux encore : je ne peux que respecter l'espace dont tu as besoin pour grandir. Te mettre à l'abri de ma trop grande sollicitude, de tout envahissement de ces rhizomes souterrains que sont les discrètes et indiscrètes manipulations de l'amour. [Ça me fait penser au Zahir… « laisser l'énergie de l'amour circuler! »]

"Veuillez, Monsieur, ne pas nous imposer une forme de bonheur qui n'est pas la nôtre." Cette prière, qu'adressait un pacha d'Algérie à quelque gouverneur des colonies à la fin du siècle passé, résonne loin."

Une forme de bonheur qui n'est pas la nôtre est sûrement celle à laquelle la plupart des gens sont habitués : le petit train-train quotidien, le 9 à 5, le souper vite fait, la vaisselle et dodo. La fin de semaine, le ménage, tondre le gazon, écouter la télé. Voilà une vie que je ne veux pas! La vie que je vit présentement avec MB m'apporte tellement de bonheur...

"Jamais, quoi que je fasse, je ne serai celui ou celle qui mâche ton pain, boit ton eau, jamais je ne respirerai pour toi. Jamais ta peau ne m'invitera à m'y glisser. Jamais je ne tisserai pour toi les fils de tes rêves ni de tes pensées. Et comme tu étais seul à ta naissance, tu seras seul devant ta mort et seul, mille fois, dans les nuits d'insomnie quand un chien aboie au loin ou quand une voix que tu es seul à entendre t'appelle. Vouloir me perdre en toi, me jeter en toi, corps et biens, avec tous mes meubles et mes trésors. T'envahir. Te combler. Te faire gardien de mes propriétés ! Il n'est pire cruauté. Car tu as une vocation, unique, une œuvre à mener à bien. Toi-même. Et pour cela, il te faut tout l'espace qui est en toi."

C'est le « moi », le « toi » et le « nous » qui sont nécessaires pour une relation saine.

Voici la suite de la citation qui m'avait incitée à acheter ce livre :

« Que cet état soit difficile à vivre, exigeant et inconfortable, qui le contestera ? L'état d'amitié, par exemple, comparé à celui du mariage, a aussi ses fluctuations, mais leur amplitude est sans comparaison. Nulle part la houle n'est aussi forte, aussi éprouvante qu'entre époux. En amitié, l'habileté à faire souffrir est modeste – le confort, assuré, souvent idyllique. En mariage, l'autre me confronte aux limites de mon être. »

Le sujet de la confrontation revient assez souvent. Je crois qu'essentiellement, elle veut dire que notre partenaire dans la vie nous pousse à nous examiner, nous encourage à poursuivre nos rêves, à devenir meilleurs. Qui d'autre pourrait le faire que la personne qui partage notre vie quotidienne? Quand nous sommes jeunes, ce sont nos parents qui le font. Plus tard, c'est logique que ce soit notre mari ou notre femme qui assume ce rôle.

« Ce qui rend le mariage si lumineux et si cruellement thérapeutique, c'est qu'il est la seule relation qui mette véritablement au travail. Toutes les autres relations aventureuses et amicales permettent les délices de la feinte, de l'esquive, de la volte-face et de l'enjouement. » […]

Christiane Singer dit que « C'est très difficile d'être lié l'un à l'autre sans entraver l'espace dont chacun a besoin pour grandir. »

Ce livre contient une vision courageuse de l'amour et de l'engagement. Surtout quand tout, dans notre société, nous prépare – voire nous encourage! – à la brièveté des unions.

I like this idea...

"It can be a real challenge raising children in a world that gravitates towards more and better stuff. How can you instill basic values in your children that don’t revolve around things?

One big suggestion is to buy gifts that revolve around experiences rather than things. Have their Christmas present be a family trip to a place they’ve been talking about going for a while. Instead of giving them more items to fill their room, give them a membership to a museum or a science center or something else that reflects their interests. Have a really memorable party as part of their birthday gift instead of just buying an expensive gift." (Source)

On parlait justement de cadeaux l'autre jour. Je ne crois pas aux cadeaux "obligés" : ce que je veux dire par là est que je ne veux pas de fleurs pour la St-Valentin, pas de bijoux pour notre anniversaire, etc. Ça ne veut pas dire que je n'aime pas les cadeaux, que je n'aime pas les bijoux. Ça veut dire que je préférerais de loin quelque chose qui ne coûte pas cher mais qui vient du coeur. Et encore mieux, quelque chose de mémorable ("an experience rather than a thing"), comme une belle randonnée à bicyclette qui se termine par un picnic au bord de l'eau. Ou un mini-voyage. Un souper romantique au restaurant. Pour moi, c'est mieux que n'importe quel bijou. "It's the thought that counts" : c'est un cliché, mais j'y crois.

Citation quotidienne

« Il suffit parfois d'être épaté par quelqu'un pour lui faire totalement confiance. »
Andreï Kourkov (Le pingouin, trad. Nathalie Amargier, p.168)

Je me demande si c’est vrai? Et si on cesse d’être épaté par quelqu’un, cette personne perd-elle notre confiance?

Ma douce moitié m’inspire continuellement de l’étonnement et de l’admiration (de façon très saine, je crois) et je suis fière de l’avoir dans ma vie. Ma mère m’a déjà raconté qu’elle avait été déçue de constater, peu après son mariage, que mon père n’était pas un dieu. Qu’il n’allait pas subvenir à tous ses besoins. Mais elle éprouvait tellement d’admiration pour lui et pour ses talents qu’elle s’était laissée emportée et s’était fait des attentes irréalistes. Mais même après sa déception initiale, je crois qu’elle a conservé son admiration pour l’homme avec qui elle partage sa vie depuis plus de trente ans.

Donc je suis d’accord que la confiance et l’épatement (oui, c’est un mot, j’ai vérifié) se marient harmonieusement dans une relation.

No ring

So I've been thinking about it, and I think that when we decide to get married, it'd be nice to not have an engagement ring at all. Why not just have a discussion and mutually make the decision together?

• I hate that girls all use engagement rings to "size up" your boyfriend. I don't want to hold out my hand for them to evaluate him. I don't need their evaluation, thanks. And it's not how expensive of a ring he gets me that will make him a good husband. I always hated holding out my hand for people to look at my engagement ring. It felt so shallow! So if I say "we don't have engagement rings, we just decided to get married, that's all", there's no show-and-tell.
  
• I'm not sure about wearing two rings on one finger. I like the simplicity (and practicality!) of just one thin wedding band.
• Then again, I also wouldn't want my engagement ring to "become" my wedding band on my wedding day, because it wouldn't feel special to just take off a ring I've already been wearing a few weeks/months (hopefully not very long at all - no way I'm spending a whole year, or more, planning a wedding!) and then put it right back on.
• Why should I have one and not him? Why do I suddenly have to project my "status" to the world and not him? (If I was to wear an engagement ring, I think I'd like him to wear one too. But then what does he do with that ring after the wedding?)
  
• I like the idea of eschewing tradition.
• And quite simply, I don't need the "status symbol". And I don't need him to buy me a ring to prove how much he loves me.

Why do girls want engagement rings? Well, it's probably a tradition that dates back to when girls were "promised" to men at a very young age. The ring is a "promise" that the man will marry you during the (sometimes long) engagement period.

And it's true most girls like to receive jewellery. (Who doesn't like to receive something pretty/that makes them feel pretty as a gift? Who doesn't like to receive gifts, period?)

Obviously if MB picked out a ring for me as a gift, not because he felt he had to, but because he wanted to, I would be extremely happy! It's a nice symbol in that sense.

I'm looking forward to us picking out simple wedding bands together - the rings we'll wear every day for the rest of our lives. Those rings will be the most special ones because of their meaning (which is more pure than the meaning of an engagement ring, in my opinion!).

Having someone spend (a lot of) money on you can make you feel loved, it's true. But it's sad that girls need a diamond ring as a symbol, as a proof of their "worth". Ugh! I think I'm worth more than any shiny rock!

Then again, I can see how if your significant other used all his money to buy himself toys and things, you would feel like he didn't care about you. (In my case, I definitely don't feel that way!)

[EDIT]

Yes!! I found someone who thinks just like me and has put it very eloquently: The Dratted Engagement Ring

"Not having an engagement ring allows me to opt out of sexist notions of a man as provider and women as passive ornament, and the sexist custom that publicly marks a woman as having been purchased and thus 'off the market' while requiring no such public statement of relational or sexual non-availability by her male partner.

Not having an engagement ring prevents [my fiancé] from having to display his masculinity and creditworthiness for scrutiny and comment by whoever happens to sit next to me on the train."

Yet another comment on a blog post about getting engaged:

"I’ve always been disturbed by the British (and, now I know, USA) habit of “proposing” to someone. First, I can’t see why one should wait for a proposal. If one starts going out with someone, I guess that future plans are a normal topic for discussion and I can’t figure out how one could avoid it until the proposal is made. Second, it looks like a relic from an older world, one in which women were always willing to marry and men were not, and proposing was a way to impress a woman and to show her how much you care for her (so much that you could even be ready to abandon your dear ‘freedom’). Does it still make sense, nowadays? Can it be the beginning of an “inter pares” relationship?"

More articles on the tradition of engagement rings:

Women Should Buy Their Own Engagement Ring

Diamonds are a Girl's Worst Friend: The Trouble with Engagement Rings (Slate)
(wow, check out the links that point out "the crassest of stereotypes")

Whose Engagement Ring Tradition Is This Anyway?

Thoughts on Divorce and Name-Changing

On Divorce:

I think the divorce/separation rate is so high because we are from the "feel good generation".

"If you aren't happy, just leave!" That's what it seems like everyone thinks. If you can't handle lifelong commitment and going through periods when you aren't happy, then don't sign up for marriage.

Obviously, in Quebec this is exactly what people have done: "we’re not getting married because if we’re not happy in a couple of years, we want to be able to just split up and go our separate ways."

Wow, that's easy. Never having to commit to anything, being free to change their minds as they please! I think rather than making everyone happier, it does the opposite. It's just like raising children: they need a set of rules, a framework, in order to be happy. Letting them do whatever they want, being at their beck and call, not letting them cry, giving them everything they want doesn't make for a happier child.

On Name Changing:

I think this "being able to leave when you want" is part of the reason why there’s no name change in Quebec either, to make separation easier. That’s what I don’t like about not changing my name (even if that’s what I’ll probably do). I hate thinking (or having anyone else think) that I’m keeping my name "in case things don’t work out" and I have to change my name back.

But then again, my name is who I am, the name people know me as, and I don’t see why I should change my identity when I get married – and not him. Ok, it’s another way of announcing our status change, which I'm going to be happy to do. Except that I’m the only one that does it, which is why it’s unfair.

I do wish he had a more original name, though -then I would change mine to his. There are so many other KLs. Problem is, there are just as many KBs. Hyphenating my name would make it a more "unique" identifier, but it would make my name somewhat unwieldy. I haven’t made up my mind yet, but I’ll probably keep my name the way it is for official purposes, if only because of the laws in Quebec.

[EDIT 2010-02-01]

Still thinking about this name-changing thing...

See here for an interesting discussion on the subject. (Among many, many discussions on the Web!)

Her point is that, of the many options available to women, they ALL have significant drawbacks. Argh! So basically I'll just have to choose what is most important to me.

L'amour, l'amour

"L'amour est liberté. La liberté ne va pas avec le bonheur, elle va avec la joie.
La joie est comme une échelle de lumière dans notre coeur.
Elle mène à bien plus haut que nous, à bien plus haut qu'elle :
là où plus rien n'est à saisir, sinon l'insaisissable."

Oh que j'aime Christian Bobin! Ses textes sont comme des poèmes... J'ai découvert Bobin à une librairie d'occasion, tout à fait par hasard. Dès la lecture des premières lignes, j'étais éblouie.

"Dans un couple, peut-être que l'important n'est pas de vouloir rendre l'autre heureux... C'est de se rendre heureux et d'offrir ce bonheur à l'Autre!"
(Jacques Salomé)

I am a firm believer in this statement! Et je pense que c'est ce que nous partageons, MB et moi : deux vies indépendantes, heureuses, mais rendues encore plus complètes en partageant le bonheur de l'un avec l'autre.

Life's Greatest Adventure?

SILVER ANNIVERSARY: SURVIVAL STRATEGIES

Six simple rules add up to 25 years of (mostly) bliss

Globe and Mail 2008.07.22

JUDITH TIMSON (jtimson@globeandmail.com)

We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary last week. "How on earth did this happen?" I asked my husband, as if I were inquiring about a catastrophe instead of a triumph.

We live in an age in which popular culture seldom celebrates the long and relatively happy marriage. It's difficult to imagine a movie or play based on the same: Riveting! Absorbing! Resonant! You'll want to see One Ordinary Couple and delight in how they say to each other, for years on end: "How was your day today?" (Well you would, I guess, if it starred the Jolie-Pitts, but then they're not ordinary, are they?) Yet the truth is no couple and no marriage is ever really ordinary.

Marriage is, as my great-uncle Tom wrote to me before my wedding, "life's greatest adventure." (And the only adventure, as Voltaire more cynically put it, open to the cowardly.) It is also the very complicated dance two souls do when they vow to face the world together day in, day out, raising children, enduring crises and striving to carve out professional and personal fulfilment while - sometimes with gritted teeth - putting the interests of their partner first or at least on a par with their own. [This makes it sound scary!]

Since our generation was inexplicably the first to be brought up with little idea of personal sacrifice, I think marriage has been a steep challenge for the baby boomers. Not to mention its waning attraction among the next generation - the marriage rate is falling, and all over North America and Europe the institution of marriage has lost its cachet. (I know one elderly woman who refers to marriage as "the more traditional family route.") Never mind, I remember my own wedding day with wonder. Not just the hoopla but the hope. Why wasn't I more nervous about marrying? After all, my parents had divorced. Yet somehow I figured, dancing with my new husband on the rooftop of the Park Plaza Hotel, that we could do this. And somehow, at least for the first 25 years, we have.

Still, I don't believe you should brag about your marriage. First, because we all know where the bodies are buried - and there are always secrets and moments in a marriage that are so dark you don't want to ever think about them again. And second, the best way to fool the gods into giving you more of what you want is to not take undue credit for it in the first place.

But I figure I am at least entitled to pass along these modest tips to help you stay married through the tough times:

1. Forget that hoary edict about not going to bed angry with each other - I would never have slept if that were the case. Of course you can go to bed angry. Just don't take a weapon. Instead, hope that simple physical warmth will hold you till the dawn. And be grateful when it does.

2. Talking every little thing out can be highly overrated. Sometimes it's important to clear the air immediately, but often during a tense or wan time, a walk in the park, a paddle in a canoe or a quiet drive together will do.

3. Don't keep a ledger - even if it's for housekeeping or child care (I did the dishes last night so you get scrubbing those pots tonight). Trust that the contributions will even out over time.

4. Hard as it may be, always attempt to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. If you assume good intentions, a lot of umbrage simply falls by the wayside.

5. Since most arguments are said to take place within 15 minutes of spouses walking in the door, greet your partner lovingly no matter what disasters have occurred during your day. The Gap has personal greeters; marriage needs them, too.

6. And, finally, accept that you have to ride the cycles of happiness and discontent. Virtually everyone I know who is married confesses that one minute they are looking at their loved one and thinking, "How did I ever get so lucky?" and the next they feel like they're watching a horror movie with their spouse in the scariest role.

Knowing the good cycle will inevitably return is immensely reassuring.

These may seem like flimsy rules on which to forge a marriage, but they're a simple reality check against the avalanche of unrealistic expectations surrounding most marriages. Adjust if necessary to fit your marriage, then add all the good stuff, or what one of my sisters-in-law recently wished us many more years of: "love, caring, understanding, curiosity, optimism, intelligence and more." And whether you've accomplished 25 years of married life together or even just one, pop the cork of some good champagne and celebrate.

It is indeed a triumph.

See also: Some Thoughts on Building a Successful Marriage

L'institution du mariage

Je viens de tomber sur cet article du Globe & Mail qui résume vraiment bien ma pensée au sujet de toute l’institution du mariage.

GLOBE AND MAIL 2009.05.30
THE FEMINIST BRIDE
I am woman, hear me roar 'I do'
LEAH McLAREN

Getting engaged is a bit like losing 10 pounds. It feels nice, but after a while the relentless congratulations start to make you wonder if there was something horribly wrong with you in the first place.

Je me souviens d’avoir pensé exactement la même chose… je pense que c’est peut-être parce que je me suis tellement fait féliciter que je me suis sentie obligée d’essayer de faire en sorte que « ça marche » (même si juste avant les fiançailles je me préparais à casser! Et le soir même, en disant « oui » je disais « non » dans ma tête!).

"Of course there was," my boyfriend said dryly when I pondered this out loud the other day. "Before, you were incomplete, unable to form a thought for yourself. And now you have a man to complete you." Har har. But the sentiment isn't so far off perceived reality, especially here in England, where the common social response to a woman showing her engagement ring is, "Well done." Translation: You've finally bagged one. Now, you can relax.

For a well-behaved feminist (which I do not consider myself, prone as I am to offending the delicate sensibilities of my vigilant line-toeing sisters), getting married is a political minefield. On the one hand, you have all the ludicrously outdated "traditions" to contend with - grown men falling to their knees, accomplished women being "given away" by their fathers, sexually liberated thirtysomething party girls donning virginal veils, to name just a few - and on the other you have the hard-liners who would like to scrap the feudal institution altogether.

“ludicrously outdated traditions” : exactement!!

In this contradictory era of bridezilla reality shows and record-low marriage rates, is there any way to find a balance as a modern, feminist bride-to-be?

Je suis constamment en train de me poser cette question, même si je ne me considère pas ultra-féministe… je me demande sans cesse pourquoi j’ai envie de me marier quand il y a tellement d’aspects de l’institution du mariage que je trouve ridicule. (La réponse à la fin de l’article…)

It's a question Jessica Valenti, 30-year-old blogger-in-chief of feministing.com and author of the book The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession With Virginity is Hurting Young Women , has been exploring of late. The first thing she noticed when she got engaged to her boyfriend, Andrew, was the way people demanded to know all about the proposal. "There was a real pressure to have a perfect story to tell," she said in a phone interview this week, "when the truth was we just had a conversation and decided to get married." After a while, the couple got sick of disappointing everyone with their egalitarian honesty. "It became so tedious we just started saying it happened on vacation in California, which was technically true." Having long detested the coyness surrounding engagements, I admire Valenti's dry-eyed approach to her own impending nuptials. Here, finally, is a woman who doesn't feel the need to act "surprised" by the decision to spend the rest of her life with someone - like the thought had never occurred to her until the sight of a diamond ring dazzled her into saying, "Yes!"

Ça aussi je trouve que c’est un « jeu » tellement ridicule! Et je sympathise tellement avec tous les gars : “a real pressure to have the perfect story to tell”… moi je trouve que j'ai DÉJÀ une histoire parfaite à raconter!

In a recent piece for The Guardian, Valenti wrote eloquently about her struggle to balance the somewhat contradictory roles of bride-to-be and feminist author."The fact that Andrew and I had had conversations about the misogynist traditions that accompany marriage made us a bit of an oddity, it seemed. Then there were the fellow feminists who felt that getting married was a sop to the patriarchy, and the problems that we encountered as a couple. Because, with the best will in the world, kissing goodbye to gender roles can be more difficult than it looks."

Like many couples, Valenti and her boyfriend struggled with the division of labour when it came to wedding planning. While they set out with the best intentions (he'd do the music, she'd do the flowers, etc.), reality soon came home to roost. "Several months later, when I found myself up to my eyeballs in sample invitations and band websites - while Andrew read the newspaper or dallied online - I was ready to throw in the towel on so-called domestic bliss." They have since worked out their issues, but the pressure to have a traditional wedding continues. Valenti puts it all down to consumer culture. "When you're getting married, there's a lot of pressure to buy a lot of useless stuff." I agree, but suspect it's much deeper than that. Weddings, after all, are one of the great markers of social status.

Whether she knows it or not, this is why your mother almost certainly wants you to have one. It's also why so many young women start pining for a ring and a pouffy dress before they've even fallen in love.

C’est trop vrai. Et je suis certaine que c’est programmé dans nous (les femmes) de vouloir « s’établir ».

The more traditional our weddings and engagements are, the more we play into this ceremonial rite of passage - providing our friends and relatives with the correct markers to determine our relative position in society. These start with the size of the diamond (translation: How much does he love you?) and carry on to the colour of the dress (how good have you been?) through to the lavishness of the party (how much are you worth?).

Voilà pourquoi je ne veux PAS de diamant (je sais déjà à quel point mon chum m’aime, il n'a pas besoin de le prouver en m'achetant une grosse roche qui brille). Si je veux porter une robe blanche, je le ferai parce que ça me tente, c’est tout (I don’t think we’d be fooling anyone! hihihi). Et si on fait un gros party, ce sera juste pour voir notre monde, surtout pas pour faire un « show » (et des gros mariages avec la grosse robe et les décorations et les fleurs et tout et tout c’est ça que ça fait! ouache!).

Romantic, isn't it? But what is romantic, and actually quite thrilling, is the idea of falling in love with someone and deciding to spend the rest of your lives together. I might not be a good bride or a well-behaved feminist, but just like Jessica Valenti, I am determined to be an excellent wife - provided I can keep my own name, of course. hahaha

C’est exactement comment je me sens : it IS romantic, it IS quite thrilling (ça donne des frissons! et un « cheese éternel »!) de tomber en amour et de décider qu’on veut passer le reste de nos vies ensemble.

[EDIT : Found a follow-up article, or rather, one written by the same author a few months previously.]

GLOBE AND MAIL 2009.02.28

TREND-BUCKING DEPT.

It's not marriage I hate, just weddings

LEAH McLAREN

[...]

Overnight, it seemed, all of our friends had decided to get married.

We were, as they say, "at that age." Where once there were dry martinis and dirt-dishing, suddenly there were mocktails and debates on family-style vs. buffet.

In short, it was boring. And, of course, we weren't getting married, which made it absolutely infuriating! So we got a bit drunk and wrote [a] catty poem and had a good cackle. And then we went to our girlfriends' various weddings and wished them all the best.

We were genuinely happy for them, after all. And besides, when you get past all the frilly nonsense, weddings are actually quite lovely, right? Well my girlfriend didn't think so. She was well and truly put off. Since we wrote our poem, she has bought a house and had a baby with a man she's firmly in love with - but she's sticking to her guns on the marriage front.

I, on the other hand, have muddled along, not knowing what to think.

But lately I (actually my boyfriend and I) have started to come around to the idea. We've been thinking that maybe, if we did it our own way, a wedding might actually be kind of fun.

Okay, so it's not exactly earth-shattering news. I imagine the headline, like one of those faux news stories in The Onion: "Woman, 33, to wed live-in boyfriend; parents relieved." But maybe marriage is not as hopelessly conventional as we thought. These days, in fact, it's becoming the radical choice.

It was recently reported that the proportion of married adults in Britain has dropped to an all-time low. I don't just mean that there are fewer people getting married (the marriage rate is the lowest since they started recording such things in 1862). But the result of the decline is that, for the first time, married adults are estimated to make up less than half the population.

The main cause being cited is the same one trotted out for any current social trend, from teen pregnancy to the mood swings of house cats: the credit crunch.

Apparently, people don't want to get married any more because they can't afford to. But I'm not buying it. After all, weddings, like child-rearing, can be done perfectly well on the cheap. And besides, the same trend was reported in the 2006 Canadian census, which showed that unmarrieds outnumbered marrieds by a small margin and that rates of common-law unions were fast outpacing formal marriages - and that was in a time of relative economic stability.

I think my generation has gone off marriage - or more precisely weddings - because the sentiment (which we believe in) has been obscured by the ludicrous pageantry (which we reject).

The thing that has always shocked me most about many newly engaged couples is the level of pretense required to fit into the Hallmark-approved idea of romance.

This starts with the proposal, in which he "asks" and she pretends to be "surprised." Then there is the engagement, in which she becomes suddenly obsessed by trivialities like napkin colours while he rolls his eyes indulgently and makes lame jokes like: "Just tell me where to show up." Then there is the social permission it gives otherwise sane, polite people to behave like spoiled celebrities, the ridiculous, narcissistic "princess-for-a-day" cliches and finally the unfettered materialism that turns so many otherwise happy celebrations into garish cake shows.

Suffice to say, I have some issues - not with all weddings (I have been to some very nice ones), but with the ghastly wedding machine. And so does much of my generation, if you believe the numbers.

The bridal industry, with its fabricated notions of formality and ceremony ("traditionalesque," as Rebecca Mead put it in her book One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding) and Hollywood, with its consistent output of mawkish chick flicks such as Bride Wars , has conspired - as a primary school teacher might say - to ruin a perfectly nice thing for everybody else. So much so that if the trend continues, we will soon live in a society in which marriage, with all its good and honourable connotations of commitment, love and partnership, may soon be a curious anomaly.

Which is why I am urging happy, loving couples everywhere not to be afraid. Follow your heart. Be radical. Do it your own way.

Throw convention to the wind. Who cares what the neighbours say? You, too, can get married. Just don't be ridiculous about it.

[Another edit] "I Believe in Love"

"La mariage est un peu comme la conduite à droite (ou à gauche, en Angleterre). C'est une convention qui n'évite ni les incidents de parcours ni les accidents, mais en limite le nombre et la gravité. L'important est le voyage."

Robert Escarpit (Lettre ouverte au diable, p.82 Éd. Albin Michel 1972)

[Il est question de mariage]
"[...] c'est une si jolie idée que celle de vouloir faire le voyage à deux !"

Sacha Guitry (Mon père avait raison, p.31, Livre de Poche no 1953 )

"Le mariage est une course de fond et la lecture à haute voix une sorte de boisson énergisante romantique pour revigorer les coureurs quand il leur arrive d'être épuisés."

Anne Fadiman (Ex-libris, trad. Catherine Pierre , p.169, Mille et une nuits, 2004)