Statistics: "(s/week) - (q/week)"

"Meehl was an American psychologist who studied the successes and failures of predictions in many different settings. He found overwhelming evidence for a disturbing conclusion. Predictions based on simple statistical scoring were generally more accurate than predictions based on expert judgment.

A famous example confirming Meehl's conclusion is the 'Apgar score,' invented by the anesthesiologist Virginia Apgar in 1953 to guide the treatment of newborn babies. The Apgar score is a simple formula based on five vital signs that can be measured quickly: heart rate, breathing, reflexes, muscle tone, and color. It does better than the average doctor in deciding whether the baby needs immediate help. It is now used everywhere and saves the lives of thousands of babies. Another famous example of statistical prediction is the Dawes formula for the durability of marriage. The formula is 'frequency of love-making minus frequency of quarrels.' Robyn Dawes was a psychologist [...]. His formula does better than the average marriage counselor in predicting whether a marriage will last."

(http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/2011/dec/22/how-dispel-your-illusions/)

(I tracked down the original Dawes study: "Linear prediction of marital happiness" by J.W. Howard and R.M. Dawes in _Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin_, 1976, pp. 478-480. Now to track down the actual article... will have to go to the library I believe.)

Being published

So I decided to put into writing the story of how MB and I met, and how we went through essentially the same thing in our previous relationships. For posterity, you know.

Then I sent it to Matt to see what he thought, and I asked him if he would be ok with me publishing it... maybe on a blog or in a newspaper. Since he agreed, I thought, what the heck -- and I sent it to the Facts & Arguments section of the Globe and Mail last week. When I got an email from the editor this week I was actually shocked to hear from her so quickly! Well, no turning back now, I guess! I kind of wish my first piece of published writing had been more of a "think piece", but oh well. And now anyone who googles me and finds that article can figure out exactly how old I am. Again... oh well.

The article was in last Friday's paper. The title and subtitle of the article aren't mine, and there were a few edits to my article, too (I would NOT enjoy being a journalist and having all of my writing edited on a daily basis, oh no, definitely not! And of course, the quote they highlighted was a part where I am quoting MB -- I have to admit it was a pretty good analogy, though.)

But the article sums up our story pretty well, I think. And now that chapter can really be closed! It'll be something to show the kids one day... (Ha!)

In praise of cold feet

My husband and I both came close to marrying other people. That's what brought us closer together when we first met: the realization that we had been through almost exactly the same thing.


We both called off our weddings (to other people) shortly before the actual date. Him three months before, me two weeks.

At the time, I felt like no one understood why I had cancelled my wedding, which would have taken place at the end of summer 2007. I felt like it would have been easier to explain if my ex-fiancé had been abusive or if we had huge fights all the time, but he wasn't, and we didn't.


We got along okay. Our life together was okay. But that was it – it was just okay. As asinine as it sounds, I was 23 and had never stopped to think about my future with him. With the wedding day fast approaching, it was getting harder and harder to push away the thought that maybe we weren't the best match for each other.


A few months before the wedding, I happened upon an article about inertia relationships. It was like a slap in the face. That was exactly what I was living: a relationship that kept rolling along of its own accord. It was easier to keep moving than try to stop it. We moved in together because it was the logical thing to do. And it felt like we were getting married because that's what people our age did after being together five years.


My now-husband had been with his ex-fiancée for almost nine years; they were supposed to be married in 2005. He used a clever analogy to describe how he felt in the months leading up to his wedding. He says it was like being on a train going 100 kilometres an hour, hurtling toward a rock on the tracks a few kilometres away. He knew the rock was there. He knew it was going to hurt when the train hit the rock. But it was comfortable inside the train, and if he closed the curtains he didn't have to look outside and see how fast he was going. He knew he should jump out of the train though, because even though it was going to hurt, it wouldn’t hurt as much as hitting the rock later on down the track.


We both felt like we should be happy with our partners, but we weren't. I tried to convince myself I was happy. I told myself every girl would love to be in my place, to have a kind, generous boyfriend like mine. He bought me flowers and jewellery and other little gifts. He drove me to the bus stop, then waited for me after work every day. He was great with kids, and couldn't wait for us to have our own. So why didn't I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet?


My husband compared his ex-fiancée to a Mercedes. She was kind, smart, beautiful – everyone wants a Mercedes, right? But he just wasn’t a Mercedes type of guy. Flashy and luxurious aren't his thing. What he really wanted was a Subaru: always ready for adventure, can take anything you throw at it, doesn't mind getting dirty.


And that's what I came to realize, too. I had been lying to myself when I said it didn't matter if my ex-fiancé didn't like to read and was never interested in what I was reading, even though I've always been passionate about books and reading and learning new things. I had been lying to myself when I wore the jewellery he gave me. I've never liked expensive jewellery, and what he bought for me was much more in his style than mine. I had been lying to myself when I substituted his dreams for mine.


My now-husband and I both felt guilty. We were afraid we'd ruined the other person's life by not going through with our respective weddings. Guilt is probably the main reason we took so long to break off our relationships. It's hard to put yourself first, to not think about the other person’s needs. I felt so selfish.


I think my healing process was easier than my husband’s though. He went through two years of wondering if he had done the right thing. I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders the very day I called off my wedding. I could breathe again, more freely than I had in years. I was on a cloud as I moved into my new apartment, smiling at nothing and feeling lighter than I'd felt in a long time.


Maybe doubts would have eventually taken over me. But I was too busy reconnecting with friends and getting to know myself. I learned to trust my gut feeling. I also learned (and am still learning) to be honest with myself about who I am, what’s really important to me and what I want out of life.


Then, not long after my breakup, I met and fell in love with the man of my dreams. Someone who had been through what I had just gone through. Someone who understood what it was like to call off a wedding. It was uncanny how similar our stories were, and we had so much in common. He loves to read, too, and talk about books with me. He is always eager to learn new things, and we’re both passionate about what we do for a living. With him, it felt so right that I knew I had done the right thing.


We actually met at a wedding. I was a bridesmaid, he was the bride's first cousin. And last October, we tied the knot.

2010, Part Five: Our Wedding

I've decided to cut my post on 2010 into five parts, as it's just too long for a single one.


Part One: Our Plane
Part Two: Finishing my M.A.
Part Three: Our New Jobs
Part Four: Our Trip Out West
Part Five: Our Wedding


It was quite the year!

During the first few years of our relationship, MB and I talked a lot about whether or not we'd go through the wedding process again. After thinking hard about it, writing all about it in my blog (it helped me to write out what I was thinking!), and making lists of why I thought marriage was important, I decided I still wanted to get married. I couldn't imagine myself never marrying, whereas MB grew up in a place where most people live in common-law relationships forever (Quebec). None of his friends are married -- that's the norm there. But after a lot of honest, hard discussions, it was MB who said he understood that marriage was like taking your relationship to another level. It was about commitment. It was about asking yourself -- and your partner -- the hard questions. Talking about the future together. Obviously, you don't need to get married to have all these discussions. But a wedding makes it "official". And for us, if we hadn't decided to marry our exes, we both think we might still be with them, just coasting along...

We got engaged in May 2010. I thought there was no need for a formal "proposal", and that "proposing" to me was much too old-fashioned, I even said I didn't want an engagement ring. But my husband insisted he wanted to "ask me properly". What I hated about this was knowing he wanted to get married too, but having to wait for him to make it official. Luckily, I was busy finishing my Master's degree during that time, so I didn't have too much time to think about it. A few days after I submitted my thesis, we took off on a cross-country trip, and he proposed while we were flying through the Rocky Mountains. It was such a beautiful moment... and we actually made the front page of the local paper with our "romantic story"! It almost seemed unfair that here I was, not even wanting an actual proposal, making many jealous with my "fairy tale" story.

We decided to get married that fall... five months after the official engagement. We had already discussed where we wanted to have it (his hometown) and what we wanted the ceremony to look like (the whole thing written by us, and not religious). We talked a bit about eloping, but decided in the end that it was really important to us to have our closest friends and family there. MB is particularly close to his mom's side of the family, so we knew we had to have them there. We chose to have many guests, with a buffet-type meal and no open bar, rather than a more intimate wedding with only a few guests and a sit-down meal.

The fact that we had only five months to plan for such a big event meant that I could say "no bridesmaids -- too complicated and too expensive!" "No, I'm not making any fancy invitations, I don't have time!" (We sent out postcards, and I put all the details on a no-frills website.) The room wouldn't have been decorated at all if it wasn't for my mom's offer to print out old photos of MB and I in black and white and string them around the room. I didn't have time to make anything crafty. And the ceremony site wasn't decorated at all -- we figured the sunset would be scenic enough (it was!). I let MB's stepmother pick out my flowers (I just said, "anything red!"), and my friend M assembled the bouquet for me the morning of the wedding.

In the province of Quebec, anyone can ask for permission to "stand in" for a Justice of the Peace and perform ONE wedding ceremony (well, as long as you don't have a criminal record!). Our good friend and skydiving coach JL offered to officiate for us. My little brother played the guitar and sang as we walked into the room (we really wanted to walk in together -- even if I'm super close to my dad, we wanted the symbolism of walking in together -- as in, we are embarking on this journey together).

We lucked out on our choice of venue. I knew this was going to be the most expensive part of the event, but we found a place that didn't charge us a thing for the room rental -- just a fee for catering. the manager kept telling me, "don't worry, there'll be enough food, I'll make sure of it". He was very reassuring, but somewhat nonchalant as well. I figured I would just have to trust him! And I'm so glad I followed my gut with this one - the food was great, it didn't cost us a fortune, and everyone was happy.


The Dress

I actually bought my dress from the "Used Dresses" section of oncewed.com. When MB and I were discussing the wedding (even before we were engaged), I told him that I didn't want to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on a dress that I was only going to wear once. In fact, I boasted that I thought I'd be able to find something under $200. After saying that, though, I started looking online for used dresses, wondering if I'd actually find anything for that price. One day, I saw a dress on Once Wed that was EXACTLY my size - the measurements the girl gave were my exact measurements. The dress was simple and elegant. And it was $50! I didn't think twice about it, and ordered it. I figured if it didn't fit, or I changed my mind about it, I could always sell it. Well, when MB proposed just a few months later, I thought -- how easy!

10-10-10


It was such a perfect day. Oh, there were some hiccups -- like the fact that our ceremony site wasn't set up when we got there that morning just to check it out (we ended up moving tables and setting out chairs ourselves!), and that we almost didn't have time to take photos before the wedding because my hair took longer than expected. There were things that didn't work out so well -- like the duet we were supposed to sing in lieu of our "first dance". (One of the microphones wouldn't work, so we awkwardly sang from the same mic... and then moved into dancing right away, forgetting all about our thank-you speech!)

But I'm calling it perfect anyway. I remember waking up that morning with a smile on my face, thinking that today was the day I was marrying MB. I remember hearing my brother start playing Amanda Marshall's "Marry Me" at the beginning of our ceremony and having a shiver of excitement wash over me. I remember walking out into the room and being shocked at how packed it was. I remember everyone cheering me on as I tried to say my vows, but got all choked up (I think someone even yelled out "You can do it, Kim!"). I remember MB's hand gliding down my backside as we kissed - oops! (Married or not, he quickly brought it back up when he realized my dad was right there!) I remember dancing until 3 in the morning and then walking over to the chip stand down the street for greasy poutine (the lineup was too long, so we didn't end up getting any). I remember waking up the next morning and calling MB my "husband" for the first time. It was so strange at first! I'm so glad I have those memories. In the end, that's all that counts.

10 Ways to Be More Mindful in Your Marriage

I don’t agree with everything on the www.simplemarriage.net site, but I think this particular post contains good advice:

Being the right mate involves living mindfully. It means being conscious about what’s happening in your marriage and taking charge of your own marital happiness.

Here are 10 ways you can be more mindful in your marriage.

1. Plan to have time with your spouse.
This sounds like an obvious one I know but I’ve got to list it. It’s often said to go on a date once a week with your spouse. If you have kids, this is especially important. It’s also important to find time together each day. No TV. No phones. No books. Just each other.
2. Your spouse is your priority.
Whenever your spouse requests your time, make sure you give it. Ultimately, nothing will be more important in life than your relationship with your spouse. If he or she needs your time, perhaps the company meeting or the soccer game can wait?
3. Continually learn about each other.
Take time to ask questions. Even if you’ve been married for decades, there are still things you don’t know about your spouse. Take the time to find out his or her thoughts, feelings, memories, and future goals.
4. Take time for affection.
Have you ever been guilty of going a day without kissing or hugging? It happens a lot if you’re not consciously remembering to do so. It’s important to take time throughout the day to spontaneously show affection. Yes, this does include sex but it’s not all. Affection includes simply holding hands or a back or foot massage. You can even try just looking into one another’s eyes for an indefinite amount of time. A little affection goes a long way.
5. Learn something new together.
How about learning a new language? Or perhaps you could take golf lessons? Or maybe you’d prefer to get your scuba certification? Couples who learn together, grow together.
6. Do your partners favorite thing often.
I heard this piece of advice when my wife and I were still newlyweds. With her, there’s no doubt her favorite thing to do is dancing. So I took ballroom dance lessons. It was surprisingly fun! Doing your spouse’s favorite thing means connecting directly with something that he or she values. It’s also a great way to physically show you care.
7. Share a genuine compliment.
How many times have you thought your husband or wife looked stunning but didn’t say anything? How many times did he or she do something amazing and you forgot to mention it? Take time often to actively look for the good in your spouse and tell them! The catch is that it must be genuine.
8. Say “Thank You”.
Closely related to sharing a compliment is to thank your spouse for something specific. Everyday there are things that he or she does that makes your life better in some way. Thank them for it! Even if it’s something as mundane as, “Thank you for picking up the groceries”. The little things turn into big things. A healthy side effect is a marriage full of gratitude.
9. Plan together.
When you first were married, you had big plans for your life. Are you meeting those goals? Take time together often (at least weekly) to make plans. Plan the everyday tasks and also the big things like vacations and holidays. This is also a perfect time to work on your life vision. What does it look like and how well are you doing in realizing it?
10. Service.
Enough cannot be said about the value of serving your spouse. This means the little things – getting up with the kids, preparing a meal, doing a chore you normally don’t do. If everyone simply focused on this single concept of serving their spouses and putting their needs first, there would be less divorce and more happiness in the world.

Un sujet qui me préoccupe encore et toujours : le changement de nom

Je suis encore tombée sur un billet de blogue sur ce sujet... Pourquoi une femme change de nom?

Le changement de nom après le mariage me préoccupe beaucoup, puisque je suis vraiment entre deux cultures. Je ne suis normalement pas si indécise. Mais je réfléchis à cette question depuis un bon moment.

Moi, ce qui me frustre, c'est de me faire imposer quelque chose contre mon gré. De me faire dire, eh bien, si tu te maries au Québec ou si tu habites au Québec, tu n'auras pas le droit de changer de nom.

Où est passé le choix? Les femmes ne sont-elles pas libres de choisir??

Marie-Julie Gagnon (que je lis assez régulièrement) répond à ce billet en écrivant qu'elle a considéré la possibilité de changer de nom juste parce que son nom de famille est SI commun au Québec. C'est comme je disais dans mon billet précédent à ce sujet : je pense que si mon mari avait un nom très original (et joli!), ça me donnerait plutôt envie de le prendre.

Bref, changer de nom, pour moi, ça signifie s’offrir une identité, peu importe la raison. Je ne vois pas ce qu’il y a de mal là-dedans si la personne le décide de son plein gré. De la même manière que je ne comprends pas pourquoi on s’acharne à donner deux nom de famille à un enfant (quelle horreur!) sous prétexte que celui de la mère doit être là, PAR PRINCIPE (si c’est si important qu’il le porte, pourquoi ne pas lui donner seulement celui de la mère?). Pourquoi ne pas choisir le plus joli, tout simplement? Le plus pratique? Il faut aussi penser à l’enfant… Même chose pour soi.

Quant à une femme qui porte fièrement le nom de son mari, où est le mal si ça lui fait plaisir?

Je suis bien d'accord avec elle.

The Pilot's Wife

Did some cleaning this weekend at my parents'. Found a bunch of old stuff (hey, I still fit into this dress!), and culled a bunch of books from my shelves. I'm going to donate a few boxes to my old high school. I've complained about their lack of good reading material before.

Looking through the stacks and stacks of used books in my old bedroom, I found a novel called The Pilot's Wife. Now, I don't remember reading it, so I don't know what it's about, but it was strange to read the title and suddenly come to the realization that I am going to BE one (a pilot's wife) one day. (When I told MB this he said, well, I realized I was going to be a terminologist's husband! Very funny.)

So I did a bit of googling ("pilot's wife") and found some interesting blogs. It's so wonderful to be able to find people who are going through the same thing I am! (Oh, Internet, what would I do without you?)

Ok, there were some depressing tales of cheating husbands (here and here). But there were also encouraging stories throughout. (Like this and this.) I actually found a network called The Pilot's Wives Club - awesome! Looks like a great support group. Even if my friends are supportive, they still ask when he's going to be home and for how long and if we can plan such and such for three months from now... no, I don't know! And it's not going to change (at least, I'm not holding my breath for a job with a regular schedule - if it happens, so much the better). I'm fine with it this way for now. A lot of people "don't understand how I do it" and it's encouraging to know I'm not the only one "doing it".

From the Marriage with Altitude blog:
[I'm sure it applies to helicopter pilots as well as airline pilots...]

So to elaborate - don't marry an airline pilot - unless:

• You have an incredible amount of patience Check!
• You have a solid job that earns decent money Check! More 'solid' than his right now...
  
• You don't mind doing a lot of stuff by yourself Check!
• You don't mind moving all over the world Check!
• You are a dab hand with ebay/ freecycle/ putting up shelves one-handed/checking tyre pressures Check!
• You have a great sense of humour I think so!
• You're a very trusting sort of person... Yup
• You love him more than anyone else in the world. Definitely! (Well, obviously I love my family just as much too. But not the same kind of love.)
  

And to be honest, if that's the case... You should be fine. Really. There are times when it will all drive you crazy, but I promise, it WILL be worth it. Honest.

And remember - marry the MAN, not the pilot. If you marry him just because he's a pilot, you'll be very disappointed!

That 50% statistic isn't true!

Interesting (and encouraging) article written from the point-of-view of an American woman married to a Québécois in Montreal: "Don't you know, half of all marriages...

She says that "as a newlywed originally from the south of the U.S. (where people marry young) now married to someone who is from Québec (where marriage is uncommon), we are already at a starting point that is unconventional. In a way, that offers an unexpected freedom in how we build our marriage and life together. Clearly, we will not perfectly reflect either model from our culture of origin, so we have the task of creating a shared life that is right for us. And it is fun to explore the possibilities as we dream together about normal, daily life in the months and years ahead."

:)

The NYTimes articles she quotes in her post:

"Divorced from Reality", which states that research shows that the rate of divorce is at the lowest level since 1970.

Another interesting New York Times article that breaks down the statistics into year ranges (since the divorce rate differs based on when one got married and the education level of the wife).
An opinion article about how women are redefining "marriage material".

Parenthood

This made me cry. (A description of what it's like to be a mother.)

Also: I loved her description of marriage and parenthood.

"Kids are sometimes hard, on you, and on your marriage. I'm not denying that. They change your life, and your perspective, and perhaps a few of your priorities, and instantly order a "new normal". It's up to you to view this as a good thing or a bad thing. But that's all there is. They don't rob you of your personality, your goals, your dreams. They don't take away the love between two adults and the foundation they previously built."

Qu'est-ce que le mariage?

What I expect:

Marriage has provided some subtle steadiness, a ballast, a deeper sense of reassurance that we're in this together, and we'll sort it all out.

From here.

I really love the idea of marriage as a journey.

The idyllic image of the wedding dress hanging in the window, the pre-preparation is such a homage to this journey that really is beginning. What I think is sad about weddings is that this beautiful event, this gathering and celebration of the youth of love, this coming together of centerpieces, cake, and merriment is a garnish designated only to the 1st day of happiness. Marriage has such astigmatisms and I think that in part this can be attributed to a lack of expectant beauty for the future. As a culture we allow it to become boring, dry, dull, everyday. This idea of wonder, magic, and super-stardom should be incorporated into every day to save and not starve that which makes us inside glow.

From here. And also from the same place (what a great blog!): Pre-marital counseling, and why I think you should do it. Here are all her posts on marriage. To read and re-read.

"Ah ha! I realized. Now we are two*!"

*Two. Count it. Two. None of this two-become-one bullcr*p. Why the hell would I want to go from being One to being One-Half? Right. I wouldn't.

Haha! YES!!!

[EDITED to add a link to this beautiful story about love and marriage...

This is SO TRUE:

• When you love yourself, you will appear more beautiful to the outside world.
• You cannot find love, it finds you when you are ready. Instead of waiting for it to “happen“, spend time focusing on improving yourself and loving yourself.
• We are all actors in the universal play of life. We cannot predict the future with certainty, and when something is meant to happen, it happens regardless of how we expect things to play out.]

From Anita Diamant's Pitching my Tent:

Why marry?

Because marriage publicly affirms the possibility of moving toward another person without reservation. With that momentum, we are propelled toward the center of the heart, toward the center of the universe, and however far that gets us is farther than we'd otherwise go alon.

Why marry?

Because every wedding enacts a personal connection to the universal story of the human hope for wholeness. Because by stepping into the hyperbarically charged space on the altar (in front of the priest, under the canopy), the bride and groom join in a dance that goes all the way back to the beginning of memory.

Getting married is an attempt at turning air into matter, transforming the ineffable workings of the heart into things that are "real": the invitation, the dress, the ring. The words that constitute a wedding are magical incantations of the highest order. [...]

Every wedding is an invocation of peace and wholeness and connection and joy. Good wishes flow from family and friends, through history and community, with wings and prayers and everything that might turn out to be holy in the universe.

So that's why [we] got married - to receive that shower of blessings, hoping with all our hearts to make them last.

The big stuff

"Life projects" that I've always pretty much had... aka things that are important to me in life

1) Formal education

• get a BA
• get an MA

I'm happy with having an MA, because it's more than what the "average person" has. Getting a PhD isn't on this list because, although I think about it from time to time and I'm not saying I will never do one, it's not a project that I feel like I must complete.

2) House

• buy a house
• maintain it and decorate it to my (our) liking

I've always looked forward to building a HOME, a nest. Usually when I think of my dream home, I think of a small cabin in the woods. With lots of windows.

3) Marriage

• get married to my life partner
  
• have a memorable party to mark the occasion

What "getting married" means to me is exchanging vows with the person you love and that you have decided to spend your life with.

4) Kids

• give birth as naturally as possible
• raise children (teach them to read and to ask questions and to become independent adults)

Raising children is a huge project, but one I've always thought would be part of my life someday.

5) Languages

• learn another language (fluently)
• teach someone (or a class) a language

My "language" project has to be on here because it's one of my passions. Learning, studying and teaching languages will always be part of my life somehow.

6) Self-Growth

• write a book
• publish a book

It might be a novel, it may be abook of essays, it may be my autobiography later in life, or it may be a kids book. But one day I'll write and publish a book (even if I have to publish it myself - which, actually, I would like to do).

7) Travelling

• visit as many different countries/cities as possible
• experience different cultures

An ongoing project. By the time I reach 100 years old, I want to be able to say I've seen the whole entire world.

Some new projects (i.e., not projects I've had since I was little; but projects I'm happy are part of my life now!)

1) Skydiving

• become a coach
• get my C rating

I think this project is a great addition to my life.

2) Plane

• buy a plane
• maintain it
• learn to fly it (get my pilot's licence)

I always wanted to learn to fly, but I never considered it a serious project. Now that I've decided to live my life with someone whose passion is flying, this project can become a reality!

Encore le changement de nom...

La chose qui me poussait le plus à vouloir changer mon nom est le fait de partager le nom de mes enfants. De devenir une "unité familiale". Mais plus j'y pense, plus je me dis que nous pouvons devenir la famille L-B.... Pourquoi pas? (Nous pouvons signer "La famille L-B" ou "The L-Bs".)

Le commentaire qui suit m'a tellement dégouté (oui, à ce point-là!) que je pense que je ne pourrai juste PAS prendre le nom de mon mari.

"For a wife to take a husbands name is only out of respect for him. ( not that he should not respect you ). Marriage is a union where 2 EQUALLY VALUABLE partners work towards some common goals, but with VASTLY DIFFERENT responsibilites and functions. They are 'designed' that way. ( as I see ). God set man as the head of the household. ( he could have set the wife also in that POSITION, FUNCTION , but He did what He did because He thought it is best ). So Man's FUNCTION as a head is to be respected by the wife. "

C'est quelqu'un qui a écrit ça sur un forum quelconque. Et puis je n'ai aucune envie d'être associée avec ce courant idéologique-là.

De toute façon, j'avais dit que je ferais comme où on habiterait. Et puis selon moi, il y a de bonnes chances que ce soit le Québec... À la limite, si on habite ailleurs (genre dans une province plus conservatrice ou dans autre pays), je ne m'offusquerai pas si on m'appelle Mme B. Mais légalement, je resterai toujours KL.

LOVE love love love love

Oh. mon. Dieu. Je viens de tomber en amour avec cette photo.


Hmm, je me demande s'ils nous laisseraient prendre des photos de couple dans la bibliothèque du Parlement? Ou sinon, aux Archives nationales, peut-être... mais la biblio du Parlement est plus jolie.

Le parachute des femmes

Alors que deviendrez-vous sans mari? Ménagez donc le vôtre au même titre que vous soignez votre beauté, qui est après tout le parachute des femmes, aussi bien qu'un mari.
(BALZAC, Langeais, 1834, p.325)

(!!!)

(Tiré de la définition de parachute dans le TLFi)

Anagrams

Oh, the possibilities, with an 18-letter (!) name...

Camera Box Link Girl
Cobra Maxing Killer (kind of gory)
Block Ex Airman Girl (♥ airman girl!!)
Relaxing Carob Milk
Bear Cloak Minx Girl
Rollback Era Mixing (if I was a DJ this would totally be my company name)
Ox Lick Arm Leg Brain (three body parts!)

[...]

Bonding - not just for parents & babies

Ok, so I was thinking about pre-marital counseling because of the book I'm reading (Dr. Smith's Lies at the Altar) and I googled this website. I found the article on bonding especially interesting because I had heard of the importance of bonding between parent and child at birth, but not bonding in relationships.

"Bonding is central to marriage success. That's not very surprising. The vast majority of couples planning for or contemplating marriage start off very bonded.

What is surprising for many couples, though, is the unexpected vulnerability of their initial powerful attachment. The biggest mistake that couples make is to take their bond for granted by assuming that their connection will stay strong because they love each other or with 'hard work.' But they don't have an intentional strategy to maintain the strength of their union.

Without a specific plan, most couples' attachment may grow weaker over time, whether or not they want this to happen, placing their marriage at risk. The first years of marriage are the riskiest for divorce and affairs. Couples report that "the spark is gone," or that while they still love each other, they are no longer "in love" or have "grown apart."

[...]

Nature intends our initial, temporary falling-in-love bonding period to be replaced by a longer-term attachment between partners--with a totally different underlying brain chemistry (based on oxytocin and vasopressin). [Fisher, et al, 2002]

But some of us find it easier to form and maintain these long-term bonds. According to researchers, different attachment styles rooted in early experiences with parents play an important role in bonding: Most of us have what the experts call a secure attachment style based on a comfortable balance of closeness and independence in their intimate relationships. They tend to be relatively self-confident, accepting and supportive in relationships.

Many people with colder and/or rejecting early attachment experiences continue to have some degree of difficulty with romantic bonding during adult life. They may be less comfortable with closeness and trust, find it difficult to depend on others or be depended upon. On average their relationships last about half as long as those with the more secure style.

Those whose early attachments were particularly unreliable tend to be preoccupied and obsessive in relationships, needy and vulnerable, and experience difficulty getting as close to others as they would like. They bond easily, but their relationships are the least durable.

All of these attachment styles are considered normal. But both of these less secure styles are prone to experiences of jealousy and loneliness. They also tend toward defensiveness and blame and have difficulty getting their needs met.

[...]

So what can couples do to avoid the seemingly inevitable slide toward greater disengagement? Well, fortunately, there's plenty. But for most couples, it doesn't happen on its own. You have to plan and strategize to keep your bond strong. And it's best to start early, just when you can't believe that you'll ever need it.

Here are some approaches that marriage success research has shown will help to keep your bond vital:

· Build positivity in your relationship. No one can avoid some negativity, but limit it. Marriage research has revealed that happy couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Couples who slip below five-to-one have a hard time restoring the balance. Repair after your fights. Don't allow prolonged periods of resentment to persist.

· Make time for your relationship--no matter what.

· Daily, non-stressful communication--continuing to keep up with each other's lives--is another bonding activity. And it's one that tends to go by the way when lives become busy. Remember how curious you were to learn the details of each other's lives when you were getting to know one another?

· Approach life as a team. Don't become adversaries, even when you disagree. Your disagreements are something that both of you must take an active role in managing. Planning and dreaming together are bonding for both genders.

[...]

· Keep your sex life active. Schedule a regular date night, especially if things are slowing down. You'll be surprised how the anticipation will whet your appetite--just like it did when you were dating. Introduce new forms of novelty to compensate for the inevitable diminishing partner novelty. Overcome any disagreements about initiating and active/passive roles by taking turns. The brain chemistry stimulated by sex is critical to renewing your bond.

· Celebrate your relationship. Develop rituals to commemorate your anniversaries and other memorable relationship milestones. Build a relationship mythology by telling your stories, such as that of how you met.

Adopting these strategies builds a bonding immunization for couples. These approaches help couples to build up a reserve of attachment that will help maintain their relationship through the inevitable stresses and challenges of contemporary married life and prevent disruption of their connection. Couples who are already experiencing tension or disengagement can revitalize their link by embracing these approaches.

Plan to keep your bond strong by learning more about practical bonding strategies that fit your relationship style and are comfortable for both genders. [...]

[EDIT: See also this article on bonding, titled "The Lazy Way to Stay in Love".]

NYTimes essay about marriage

"Modern Love"

- about waiting it out; les creux redeviendront forcément des hauts

- about not taking the easy way out

- about being strong enough and having enough self-esteem to not take things personally

- about giving each other space in a relationship (see Christiane Singer, again)

Maybe I should translate the article and try to get it published in a Quebec newspaper. But I don't know that people would understand. I think the mentality of the woman in this article is probably completely opposed to the culture in Quebec. (Not including everyone, of course, but a lot of people...)

What can we do to turn it around?

Le conjungo

J'ai décrit ici les raisons pour lesquelles je ne voulais pas de bague de fiançailles. Je me disais que ma réponse serait prête si les gens me posent des questions (en fait, c’est sûr qu'ils m’en poseront!).

L'autre question à laquelle j'aurai probablement à répondre est la suivante : Pourquoi veux-tu te marier?

Voici ma réponse :

Oui, le mariage est démodé et on n’est plus obligés de se marier pour faire notre vie ensemble. Mais c’est justement pour ça que je crois que le mariage a encore PLUS de valeur aujourd’hui.

Je choisis de me marier, je ne me marie pas parce que je dois absolument me marier sinon je serai une vieille fille, ni parce que j’ai besoin de quelqu’un pour pourvoir à mes besoins. Je n’ai pas besoin de son argent. Je serai une femme mariée indépendante, et non prisonnière de mon mari. Mais si je choisis de me marier, c'est parce que je suis prête à m'engager.

Je veux que mon doux soit mon mari, pas seulement mon "chum" parce qu'en tant que mon mari, il s'est engagé lui aussi à toujours être là pour moi; et en tant que sa femme, je serai toujours là pour lui. En plus, si nous partageons les mêmes objectifs, nous pourrons accomplir beaucoup plus, à deux, que seuls dans la vie (par "seuls", je veux dire en vivant essentiellement comme co-locs...).

Ça ne veut pas dire que nous deviendrons qu’une seule personne (voir mon billet précédent sur le mariage), mais ça veut dire que nous avons décidé de travailler ensemble pour réaliser nos buts. J’ai quelqu’un avec qui prendre des décisions pour le reste de ma vie. J’ai quelqu’un avec qui partager mes réussites et mes échecs. Je vais aider MB à réaliser ses rêves et il va m’aider à réaliser les miens. La vie n’est plus un voyage solitaire.

- Être mariée c’est une façon de déclarer publiquement que je suis dans une relation stable, permanente, et non juste avec "le gars du moment". Ça montre que je suis capable de prendre un engagement, je ne suis pas une de ces personnes qui passera toute sa vie à flotter d’une relation à l’autre (d’un emploi à l’autre, d’une amie à l’autre, etc.).

- Je crois que l’intimité créée entre deux personnes qui habitent ensemble et qui ont promis de faire tout leur possible pour passer leur vie ensemble est incomparable. C’est de savoir que ton conjoint sera là toute ta vie qui te permet de partager tes pensées, tes inquiétudes, tes désirs les plus intimes. Ceux qui optent pour plusieurs relations à court terme plutôt qu’une seule relation stable n’atteindront jamais ce niveau d’intimité avec personne.

- Nous avons vu tous les deux, mon doux et moi, qu’il était beaucoup plus facile de rester avec quelqu'un que de se séparer, même si ce n'est pas la bonne personne pour nous, même si on n’a pas les mêmes objectifs dans la vie, même si on ne regarde pas dans la même direction. C’est difficile de partir. Mais si on n'a pas les mêmes objectifs dans la vie, la relation est vouée à l'échec. Le mariage, donc, nous oblige à réfléchir, dès maintenant. À nous examiner nous-mêmes et à prendre une décision au début de notre relation - si ce n'est que pour décider de partir si c'est la meilleure chose à faire.

Ça fait deux ans que nous sommes ensemble; je crois qu’il est probablement temps, maintenant que nous avons appris à nous connaître, d’examiner notre relation et nos objectifs et nous demander si nous sommes prêts à nous engager. Pour ne pas avoir à recommencer une nouvelle relation dans 5 ans, ou 9 ans, parce qu'on vient de s'apercevoir que finalement ça ne marche pas. (C'est vrai que nous examinons probablement déjà notre relation plus souvent que la majorité des couples à cause de ce que nous avons vécu.)

Ce n’est pas facile de prendre un tel engagement… mais je veux choisir le meilleur chemin, et non le chemin le plus facile.

- Lorsqu’on décide de se marier, on détermine quelle sorte de personne on veut être et devenir. C’est trop facile de toujours changer d’idée, suivre les modes et nos envies du jour, et ne jamais vraiment s’engager à rechercher l’idéal. Lorsqu’on se marie, on s’engage à poursuivre les objectifs et l’idéal partagés avec son conjoint. Ça ne veut pas dire que ces objectifs ne peuvent pas changer au cours de nos vies. Mais c’est évidemment TRÈS important de parler de l’idéal sur lequel on fonde notre mariage AVANT de s’engager à le poursuivre ensemble. Je crois que sans objectifs et idéal partagés, la relation est vouée à l’échec.

Or, c’est un autre avantage du mariage : il nous force à clairement définir un trajectoire idéal pour sa vie ET nous permet d’avoir quelqu’un avec qui partager le voyage.

(Mon idéal : Je veux être une personne qui apprend, qui n’abandonne pas facilement, qui a l’esprit ouvert, qui n’a pas peur d’essayer, qui voyage beaucoup, qui vit souvent de nouvelles expériences, qui ne fait pas comme les autres, qui réfléchit longtemps avant de prendre des décisions, qui ne dépense pas inutilement son argent, qui n’est pas matérialiste, qui lit beaucoup sur PLEIN de sujets variés, qui travaille pour vivre et ne vit pas pour travailler, qui accorde beaucoup d’importance aux relations avec ses amis et sa famille, qui ne choisit pas toujours le chemin le plus facile.)

- Raison numéro un pour me marier : je veux passer toute ma vie avec MB, parce que je suis beaucoup plus heureuse avec lui que sans lui. Sa présence dans ma vie m’apporte énormément de joie.

Je sais ce qu’on me dira : d’accord, mais pourquoi cet « engagement » doit-il prendre la forme d’une cérémonie publique, légale? Ne serait-elle pas tout aussi valide si on ne faisait que s’engager en privé, dans notre salon, juste les deux? Oui et non.

- J'aimerais déclarer publiquement mon amour pour MB devant tout le monde parce que notre cérémonie permettra de dire à tout le monde que nous sommes sérieux, que nous avons réfléchit longtemps avant de décider que nous sommes ensemble et que nos vies seront toujours liées l’une à l’autre. Nous voulons annoncer que nous ne sommes pas dans une relation « temporaire ».

- J’espère que ceux qui seront témoins de la cérémonie deviendront ceux qui nous encourageront dans les moments difficiles. Nos bagues seront un symbole de notre engagement. Et elles diront aux autres que nous ne sommes plus « sur le marché ».

- Au lieu d’être une promesse secrète que seuls nous connaissons, notre mariage sera public et sera appuyé par notre gouvernement. Nous formerons une entité légale. Le fait que notre gouvernement, nos témoins et tous ceux que nous rencontrerons reconnaîtront notre mariage aidera à solidifier notre union et nous engagera à tenir notre promesse plutôt que prendre le chemin de la fuite, de l'esquive aussitôt que c'est plus difficile.

---------

Ouain, je pense que ça va prendre une version abrégée, je ne pourrai pas raconter tout ça à tout le monde. Donc en bref :

1. Parce que je suis tellement heureuse avec MB que je veux passer toute ma vie avec lui.
   
2. Parce que je veux pouvoir appeler MB mon mari. Ça montre à tout le monde que je me suis engagée, je ne suis pas juste avec "le gars du moment".
   
3. Parce que je crois que l'engagement est important. L'engagement donne aux deux membres de l'union l'assurance qu'ils pourront toujours compter sur l'autre personne.
4. Parce que je crois que c'est une belle qualité de pouvoir faire des promesses - et les tenir.
5. Parce que prendre un engagement ça va nous rapprocher davantage. Ça va nous permettre d'atteindre un autre niveau d'intimité.
6. Parce que le mariage m'oblige à réfléchir, à m'examiner et à prendre une décision en début de relation, avant d'avoir des enfants.
7. Parce que le mariage me force à clairement définir mes buts, mes objectifs, mon idéal dans la vie, et à m'engager à les poursuivre.

Un livre qui fait réfléchir sur le mariage

« Ce qui rend le mariage si fort et si indestructible, c'est qu'il réunit un homme et une femme autour d'un projet. D'un projet fou. Souvent voué à l'infortune. D'un défi quasi impossible à réaliser et impérieux à oser. Le drame serait de ne pas tenter l'impossible, de rester, une vie entière, à la mesure de ce qu'on peut. »

Après être tombée sur cette citation du livre de Christiane Singer, Éloge du mariage, de l'engagement et autres folies, il y a quelques mois, j'ai décidé d'acheter son livre.

Tiré d'une critique du livre en ligne : « L'amour éternel est-il une utopie née du délire d'incurables optimistes ou une transcendance à laquelle nous pouvons tous accéder ? Pour Christiane Singer, le secret de cet amour dépend de l'engagement des amants l'un vis-à-vis de l'autre, engagement notamment symbolisé par un mariage. […] Le mariage peut-il être indestructible ? "Oui, si je le veux", elle proclame. […] "Ce n'est pas de l'hyperromantisme !" se défend l'auteur. »

Quel sujet démodé! Faire l'éloge du mariage! J'étais presque gênée, à la librairie, d'apporter ce livre à la caisse.

Bon, je ne l'ai pas encore terminé, mais il y a déjà quelques extraits qui m'ont frappée.

"Il existe des époux-fossiles comme il existe des croyants-fossiles. Ce sont ceux qui attendent de l’institution du mariage comme de l’institution de l’Eglise qu’elles les protègent des désordres de l’amour et de la foi. Cette tentative désespérée de garder au monde la lumière originelle de l’éclair tout en désamorçant le danger mortel aurait quelque chose de presque émouvant si elle ne prétendait y parvenir vraiment !"

"Il y a aujourd'hui un irrespect de l'engagement qui fige la moelle dans les os."

Je pense que dans le fond, la loi sur le Patrimoine au Québec a bien arrangé ceux qui ont peur depuis la nuit des temps de l'engagement... et surtout des responsabilités. La loi leur donne LE prétexte pour ne pas avoir à se marier.

L'engagement que je prendrai le jour que je me marierai sera un engagement réel, sans promesses vides. Je ne vais pas m'attendre à ce que la personne que je marie me rende heureuse. Je ferai tout pour être heureuse, ce qui rendra mon couple heureux, je crois.

Un extrait du livre que j'aime beaucoup est celui-ci :

« Je ne peux pas abolir ton destin, ni t'éviter épreuves et difficultés, ni enrayer tes échecs, ni provoquer ta réussite, ni entraver tes rencontres. Impossible de prendre les commandes de ta vie, de m'immiscer entre toi et ta peau, de glisser mon doigt entre ton écorce et ton aubier. Je ne peux que t'assurer de ma loyauté – ne jamais laisser tarir le dialogue entre nous, le raviver de neuf chaque jour. Mieux encore : je ne peux que respecter l'espace dont tu as besoin pour grandir. Te mettre à l'abri de ma trop grande sollicitude, de tout envahissement de ces rhizomes souterrains que sont les discrètes et indiscrètes manipulations de l'amour. [Ça me fait penser au Zahir… « laisser l'énergie de l'amour circuler! »]

"Veuillez, Monsieur, ne pas nous imposer une forme de bonheur qui n'est pas la nôtre." Cette prière, qu'adressait un pacha d'Algérie à quelque gouverneur des colonies à la fin du siècle passé, résonne loin."

Une forme de bonheur qui n'est pas la nôtre est sûrement celle à laquelle la plupart des gens sont habitués : le petit train-train quotidien, le 9 à 5, le souper vite fait, la vaisselle et dodo. La fin de semaine, le ménage, tondre le gazon, écouter la télé. Voilà une vie que je ne veux pas! La vie que je vit présentement avec MB m'apporte tellement de bonheur...

"Jamais, quoi que je fasse, je ne serai celui ou celle qui mâche ton pain, boit ton eau, jamais je ne respirerai pour toi. Jamais ta peau ne m'invitera à m'y glisser. Jamais je ne tisserai pour toi les fils de tes rêves ni de tes pensées. Et comme tu étais seul à ta naissance, tu seras seul devant ta mort et seul, mille fois, dans les nuits d'insomnie quand un chien aboie au loin ou quand une voix que tu es seul à entendre t'appelle. Vouloir me perdre en toi, me jeter en toi, corps et biens, avec tous mes meubles et mes trésors. T'envahir. Te combler. Te faire gardien de mes propriétés ! Il n'est pire cruauté. Car tu as une vocation, unique, une œuvre à mener à bien. Toi-même. Et pour cela, il te faut tout l'espace qui est en toi."

C'est le « moi », le « toi » et le « nous » qui sont nécessaires pour une relation saine.

Voici la suite de la citation qui m'avait incitée à acheter ce livre :

« Que cet état soit difficile à vivre, exigeant et inconfortable, qui le contestera ? L'état d'amitié, par exemple, comparé à celui du mariage, a aussi ses fluctuations, mais leur amplitude est sans comparaison. Nulle part la houle n'est aussi forte, aussi éprouvante qu'entre époux. En amitié, l'habileté à faire souffrir est modeste – le confort, assuré, souvent idyllique. En mariage, l'autre me confronte aux limites de mon être. »

Le sujet de la confrontation revient assez souvent. Je crois qu'essentiellement, elle veut dire que notre partenaire dans la vie nous pousse à nous examiner, nous encourage à poursuivre nos rêves, à devenir meilleurs. Qui d'autre pourrait le faire que la personne qui partage notre vie quotidienne? Quand nous sommes jeunes, ce sont nos parents qui le font. Plus tard, c'est logique que ce soit notre mari ou notre femme qui assume ce rôle.

« Ce qui rend le mariage si lumineux et si cruellement thérapeutique, c'est qu'il est la seule relation qui mette véritablement au travail. Toutes les autres relations aventureuses et amicales permettent les délices de la feinte, de l'esquive, de la volte-face et de l'enjouement. » […]

Christiane Singer dit que « C'est très difficile d'être lié l'un à l'autre sans entraver l'espace dont chacun a besoin pour grandir. »

Ce livre contient une vision courageuse de l'amour et de l'engagement. Surtout quand tout, dans notre société, nous prépare – voire nous encourage! – à la brièveté des unions.

Citation quotidienne

« Il suffit parfois d'être épaté par quelqu'un pour lui faire totalement confiance. »
Andreï Kourkov (Le pingouin, trad. Nathalie Amargier, p.168)

Je me demande si c’est vrai? Et si on cesse d’être épaté par quelqu’un, cette personne perd-elle notre confiance?

Ma douce moitié m’inspire continuellement de l’étonnement et de l’admiration (de façon très saine, je crois) et je suis fière de l’avoir dans ma vie. Ma mère m’a déjà raconté qu’elle avait été déçue de constater, peu après son mariage, que mon père n’était pas un dieu. Qu’il n’allait pas subvenir à tous ses besoins. Mais elle éprouvait tellement d’admiration pour lui et pour ses talents qu’elle s’était laissée emportée et s’était fait des attentes irréalistes. Mais même après sa déception initiale, je crois qu’elle a conservé son admiration pour l’homme avec qui elle partage sa vie depuis plus de trente ans.

Donc je suis d’accord que la confiance et l’épatement (oui, c’est un mot, j’ai vérifié) se marient harmonieusement dans une relation.