mardi 9 février 2010

Big decisions

Some long rambling here - I need to get it out.

Ok, so I have this opportunity to move to a small town and make pretty much the same salary I make here (ok, a bit less. So it's kind of like a demotion, salary-wise). The job seems really interesting, though, because working in a small group, I would be pretty much the only language specialist on site and would have a really wide variety of responsibilities.

But why the hell would I want to go into exile in a small town eight hours away from here? What draws me to that idea?

Do I have something to prove?

"Il y a un plaisir non pas d'être seule mais d'être capable de l'être."

Maybe the fact that I've never left the Ottawa area (lived elsewhere, not travelled elsewhere - done some of that) bugs me more than I let it show. I don't want an ordinary life.

Why not? What's wrong with ordinary?

I AM happy here. I have great friends, tons of activities to keep me busy, it's a city you can find anything in, there are museums galore, theatres, cultural activities, clubs for every sport imaginable...

But it's also what makes it so easy to live here. Why on earth do I want to make my life harder? I don't know. For the challenge, maybe?

It goes back to what I wrote earlier: I feel like I have something to prove to myself (to myself, or to others?). But what?

Maybe it's because I feel like I didn't really have a choice in coming to Ottawa. I didn't make a conscious decision. Well, I did, but I feel like I just ended up here because it was the easiest thing to do: I already knew people who had gone to UOttawa, they were offering me great scholarships and a place in residence, my parents were happy because it wasn't far away. They could drive me there and come visit me on weekends. No plane tickets to buy. Etc. It was a very rushed decision.

Maybe I should wait for a better opportunity than this one. Maybe this opportunity is the "easy way out", i.e., it's here, it's available, I didn't have to do anything special to get it (other than write two exams and do an interview - but they're all done and over with now).

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a rut. But I shouldn't feel that way with the great job I have.

Is it because I still haven't finished my MA that I feel this way? Will I feel differently come summertime?

When I showed LP my list of "pros and cons" about going to M., she said the cons all seemed like very logical reasons, whereas the pros seemed like they were more emotional reasons. Is this a case where I should listen to my heart?!

[Update : I turned down the position. There will be bigger and better opportunities in the future.]

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